Seriously, it has been crazy. Sad, happy, traumatic, beautiful and it’s my life. The week that was…(nearly 3 weeks ago).

I love my kids.  At this point in time, I really, really, really love them – they have provided me with the kind of love that knows no bounds, the kind of love that you can lose yourself in – the kind of love that I need to get me through.  They keep me strong, when all I want to do is fall apart and sob and rail at the injustice of the world.

I needed a therapy project.  The rhythm of knitting, knit 2, purl 2, knit 2, purl 2 and on and on and on, is just what my fragile mind requires.  Watching the piece grow and change colour has been a sweet salve to my wounded soul.

A beautiful moment, stained with guilt and heart-wrenching sadness; that I can enjoy while my dear, dear friend will never again get to enjoy with her children.

Day 55.  And life must go on, all sadness aside.  A couple of days baking and bottling, packed and labelled, ready to be donated for sale at The Kimba Show Trading Table.  I do so adore doing this, the cooking, the tasting, shooing the kids out of the kitchen, staying up way too late making pretty labels and the feeling of being able to contribute in a meaningful way.

I am making the long drive to Adelaide (920km round-trip), to sit with, talk to, love, my dear friend that is damaged beyond hope.  Praying for a miracle xxx.

I needed a decent coffee, cliched I know, but hospital coffee sucks.  So into the city I ventured for a brief respite from a Bud that won’t ever talk back to me again.

I asked a few friends that I had been giving updates to on Bud’s condition, if they would like to write letters to her, that I could read for them.  I did that today.  It was the hardest thing I think I have ever done.  One friend, Juans, recorded hers as a MP4 file, it made me laugh out loud at one point, and then at the end she read the poem Invictus.  It left me completely undone.  I don’t think I can conjure the words for the depth of emotion I felt at that time.

On the long drive home from Adelaide, without the hope I felt on the drive down.  The situation is just too fucked-up for words.

Carmen.