Days 52 – 58 #100happydays

Seriously, it has been crazy. Sad, happy, traumatic, beautiful and it’s my life. The week that was…(nearly 3 weeks ago).

Reggie n Connie xxx
Reggie n Connie xxx

I love my kids.  At this point in time, I really, really, really love them – they have provided me with the kind of love that knows no bounds, the kind of love that you can lose yourself in – the kind of love that I need to get me through.  They keep me strong, when all I want to do is fall apart and sob and rail at the injustice of the world.

Getting my knit on.  The start of Edie's rainbow scarf.
Getting my knit on. The start of Edie’s rainbow scarf.

I needed a therapy project.  The rhythm of knitting, knit 2, purl 2, knit 2, purl 2 and on and on and on, is just what my fragile mind requires.  Watching the piece grow and change colour has been a sweet salve to my wounded soul.

Baby's loving bath time, happy, happy moments xxx
Baby’s loving bath time, happy, happy moments xxx

A beautiful moment, stained with guilt and heart-wrenching sadness; that I can enjoy while my dear, dear friend will never again get to enjoy with her children.

To market, to market, to buy a fat pig.  Produce all sold at today's #kimbashow Trading Table.
To market, to market, to buy a fat pig. Produce all sold at today’s #kimbashow Trading Table.

Day 55.  And life must go on, all sadness aside.  A couple of days baking and bottling, packed and labelled, ready to be donated for sale at The Kimba Show Trading Table.  I do so adore doing this, the cooking, the tasting, shooing the kids out of the kitchen, staying up way too late making pretty labels and the feeling of being able to contribute in a meaningful way.

No matter how dark my heart, a rainbow is such an uplifting and beautiful sight to behold.  Thank you Mother Nature xx
No matter how dark my heart, a rainbow is such an uplifting and beautiful sight to behold. Thank you Mother Nature xx

I am making the long drive to Adelaide (920km round-trip), to sit with, talk to, love, my dear friend that is damaged beyond hope.  Praying for a miracle xxx.

I was met with a particularly surly barista today and so I smiled and called her by name (Doris, can understand the surliness ;-), and changed the girls' demeanour entirely.  A kind word and smile.  Didn't cost me a thing, but it sure did make her day a whole lot better.
I was met with a particularly surly barista today and so I smiled and called her by name (Doris, can understand the surliness ;-), and changed the girls’ demeanour entirely. A kind word and smile. Didn’t cost me a thing, but it sure did make her day a whole lot better.

I needed a decent coffee, cliched I know, but hospital coffee sucks.  So into the city I ventured for a brief respite from a Bud that won’t ever talk back to me again.

I asked a few friends that I had been giving updates to on Bud’s condition, if they would like to write letters to her, that I could read for them.  I did that today.  It was the hardest thing I think I have ever done.  One friend, Juans, recorded hers as a MP4 file, it made me laugh out loud at one point, and then at the end she read the poem Invictus.  It left me completely undone.  I don’t think I can conjure the words for the depth of emotion I felt at that time.

Being able to see the edge of a rain shower, well, it just makes me happy is all xxx
Being able to see the edge of a rain shower, well, it just makes me happy is all xxx

On the long drive home from Adelaide, without the hope I felt on the drive down.  The situation is just too fucked-up for words.

Carmen.

4 thoughts on “Days 52 – 58 #100happydays”

  1. Loving your photos and writings carmen…I’m a novice at this blogging, have commented on here before but am obviously doing something wrong in the process, so I shall try again, just as we all try to make sense of the past weeks. I do know though that bud will be held in that very special part of many people’s hearts

    1. Thank you Tara, for reading, for commenting, for the love. I have spent a long, long time wondering if or what to post about Bud’s death, in the end I decided that I needed to say these things in order to begin to process and try to make sense of this greatest of tragedies. And I think it is helping. xxx

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